I wasn't always an expert at masturbating. For a long time, I got it all wrong. I'd slide down banisters, rub against the cat — anything to get that feeling down there. Once, I was grinding against my bedroom door, and I tore it off the hinges. That took a lot of explaining! Gave me a heck of a scare, too. Not long after that, I learned the secret: Take off your pants.

I don't want to brag or anything — but I'm pretty darned good at it. In fact, I just masturbated a few minutes ago, and I came so hard I almost shit the bed. Now, that doesn't mean there's no room to improve. Life is a journey, and it's up to the individual to make as much of it as possible. So, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to take care of right now.