Vera has got the hots summit rotten. She must be on hormones or crystal meth cos is she randy at the moment! She nearly raped Jack in their rented caravan in Formby. He looked like a startled rabbit in headlights when they emerged from their bedroom. Jack escaped back to Coronation Street to see if his pigeons had returned (he took his pigeons on holiday!). When he got back to their house he saw Maria in the nude and Tyrone in his boxers (lovely hairy legs). They cooked him sausage and eggs and then packed him back to the caravan. When he got back to rain soaked Formby Vera belted him and shouted that she’d worn out her Matt Munro tape waiting for him to get back. Real life eh. Big Brother is back and it’s like TV methadone. My favourites so far are Science and Kemal. Craig thinks he’s from Hoxton but he’s actually from somewhere called Norfolk. If Mary is that miserable why doesn’t she just fly over the fricken wall on her broom? Sam should get a refund from her plastic surgeon. Mokosi is royalty (and don’t she know it). Derek is fond of 14yr old white-trash boys (I made this up). Anthony has a touch of the tar brush in him (and is favourite to have a very short lived singing career). Maxwell is a bit cnuty but is excused as he knows he is. If Russ Meyer wasn’t dead I’d say he’d had a hand in choosing the contestants. Jodi Marsh and Jordan should worry about their crowns in the next few months. I suddenly fancy a JUG of pimms.

As you can tell from this dull post summer lethargy is finally here. The weekend in Lancashire was just grand. We day-tripped to Southport, watched telly, ate pizza, beach walked, shopped at poundland and slept.