Thursday, October 30

By now we all know that Colin is playing top warrior and homo Alexander in an Oliver Stone movie due in 2004. Here's a pic (look at those thighs! and that 80's Modern Talking hairdon't!! and is that Art Garfunkel?).

When Ben gets back from Australia we're taking him to the Sandcastle in Blackpool because he loves riding waterslides and we love watching him ride them.

Talking of Blackpool, we're off there tonight for a long weekend. Gonna try and see the Coen brothers movie and do a spot of deep sea fishing. *note to self, must remember bobble hat*.

Wednesday, October 29



Read about this site in todays Metro and thought I should share with you. Lovely writing by someone obviously in love with biscuits. Best section is 'Biscuit of the Week' for the in depth reviews of tea time treats I'd almost forgotten about.

"I'm humbled to be in the presence of such a legendary biscuit. "

Tuesday, October 28

I was in the park with Edward at 7am this morning. Everything was white with frost and there was a low lying mist which swirled around my ankles when I walked through it. Twas beautiful.

We watched Darkness Falls last night. Predictable fluff but it had Chaney Kley in it so we sat through it till the end.
Peter Barlow is the sexiest smoker on telly at the moment. Last week he had a beard that was meant to make him look disheveled but actually made him look like a million dollars. And how fantastic is up-the-duff Tracy Barlow? Brilliant! She'll shag owt for a free feed. *writes to Rome with nomination - Saint Tracy of Blackpool*

Monday, October 27

Doomed. Bourgeois. In Love
I like movies about rich people who live in NYC. Which is why we rented Igby Goes Down yesterday. But frankly, it was weak. Not a patch on the movies of Whit Stillman , Woody Allen and last years The Royal Tenenbaums. The script aimed to be witty but failed to create a comedy, instead we got a poignant Catcher In The Rye style coming of age story. Amanda Peet seemed to be playing a reincarnated Edie Sedgwick in the movie. The same clothes, NYC loft, heroin addiction and love for underground artists. She was the best thing in the film.

Sunday, October 26

Kill Bill was, er, colourful. We enjoyed it but Vol. 2 better be better.
Today we went for a walk in the woods and didn't get murdered. I got poo on my shoe. Then to Blockbuster to rent movies. Punch Drunk Love was weird but had sexy Adam Sandler in it so we sat through it till the end. Phone Booth was an hour too long but had Colin Farrell in it so we sat through it till the end. Igby Goes Down was dull but had Ryan Phillipe in it so we sat through it till the end.

Saturday, October 25

The sun was streaming into the bedroom this morning as I lay watching my shirts dry. Then we went shopping for dining room chairs and ham. Tonight we will watch Kill Bill in the gallery at the Filmworks in Greenwhich (17 fucking quid each! but this does include a leather sofa and unlimited snacks and soft drinks). Next week we have front row seats at the Hot Ice Show in Blackpool ("Fantastic" - OK! magazine). Camp? moi? Non!
(note to self - must remember to order red roses to throw onto the ice during the finale)

Friday, October 24

You won't starve in Blackpool.

Lennards Eating House is just like 100 other caffs in Blackpool but with better signage. Just look at that crazy 70's lettering (reminds me of the opening titles of 'Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines'). Yesterdays 'special' was homemade beef 'n' onion pie, mash and three veg (£3.30). I didn't partake but will attempt to drag Darren there for a Saturday morning breakfast next weekend.
The Via Veneto Coffee Lounge is fab. Really fab. Rows of high backed leatherette banquettes filled with happy shoppers smoking tabs and drinking frothy milky coffee.
Huttons Fine Handmade Chocolates. I'm not a fan of fancy chocolate so I've not shopped there but I do find it comforting that it exists in this 'land-of-bad-drag'.
The Abingdon BBQ shop sends out the most mouth watering smells in the North West (pity the poor veggies). Why dirty your oven when for £7 you can buy a huge cooked gammon joint with pineapple slices stuck on the top? I purchased sausage and bacon on a heavily buttered barm (£1.40).
Roberts Oyster Rooms has been on the prom forever. Anglesey oysters a speciality.
Hampsons are all over town and make pies, pasties, cakes and bread. Their steak-bake slice is often sold out by 1pm. (notice arch rival Greggs in the reflection?)
Whittards. A decent bag of coffee to take home. Why is their china always on sale?
A nice window in a pub. Eat your heart out NYC.
$500! Fuck off! How very un-punk rock. Mr Strummer must be spinning in his grave.

Tuesday, October 21

Off to Blackpool tonight as we have workmen arriving at 8am tomorrow morning. Darren unable to come so just me and Edward for early morning prom strolls. He did buy me going away gifts though; new albums by The Strokes, Basement Jaxx and British Sea Power, Hurrah!

The new phone and all its software is finally working a treat so expect pictures of windy beach walks posted straight to here over the next two days. See ya chuck!

Monday, October 20

My new phone arrived on Saturday. Weekend spent configuring and tinkering and talking to Vodafone customer care (surprisingly helpful). Nearly there now, bluetooth connection proving to be a bit troublesome but should be a-ok once I've logged onto a few forums.
Anyway, here's the view from my desk through the rectangle window taken with my new phone at 8am this morning.

Been in a meeting since 10 am. Insanely boring. I sat next to my assistant, Kelly, and we scribbled notes to each other rather than listen to speakers droning on about aid funded business in Central Asia. Here's what I wrote:

*it's exciting eh

*is that bag real Armani?

*he's only supposed to do 20 minutes and he's up to 35 now

*you have strange shoes

*very Stepford Wives

*do you know that movie?

*good for kicking a football

*on a scale of 1-10 I'm bored 9

*mmmm! Thai fishcakes for lunch

*didn't you order duck pancakes too?

*I don't like windowless bathrooms

*they're only here for the grub

*Peter Harris' hair!

*reception said he was livid

*maybe Mick should give him some

*he needs plugs

*at least one of these middle aged men is wearing tights beneath their suit

*did you sign anyone in?

*these were the most expensive shoes I've ever bought

*19

*very Mary Tyler Moore

*too young

*ask your mum

*members good and bad news next

*bet they all clam up

*stampede to lunch

*she's like a scary school teacher

*bet she's a veggie and moans about lunch

Then there was a stampede for lunch and I crammed a couple of sarnies in my gob and scarpered. Small talk with strangers makes me fart.

Friday, October 17

Value Witch would be proud of me. For the past few days I've been researching mobile phones with integrated cameras. I love the way Elsie posts her impromptu pics to textamerica and I want to do that too. So I started looking at phones and price plans and ended up with a migraine (well, ok, a major headache). I wanted a good quality camera in the phone (yes I know, quality and camera phone don't go together) so the minimum pixel quality I wanted was 640x480 which wiped out 90% of the camera phones on the market. By this morning I'd whittled the choice down to two using the honest reviews at zdnet and finally settled for this.
I won't bore you with my tales of the search for the best price plan (I've never had a contract before and I've had my current mobile for 5 years on a pay as you go scheme, (good eh, VW!)) but I ended up getting the phone online *and* FREE in exchange for a £15 contract (£25 if you go to a proper shop-type-place) which includes cross-network calling for 100 minutes and 20 free photo messaging message things per month *and* I can carry the minutes over into the next month. Arrives tomorrow (allegedly) by DHL so expect scary blurry face shots by evening.

In other news: Ab Fab was back tonight. It still makes me smile (and yes, I agree it's lost it's shine but it's a laugh-a-minute compared to that horror of a 'comedy' starring Jasper Carrot and that woman who's usually funny in other things). We saw episode 2 straight after on BBC 3. The bird from the Krankies was superb as the midwife.

Thursday, October 16

When I was 10 years old I had an operation to correct an undescended testicle. When I was well enough to walk I was taken to the only toy shop in town for a present. I chose plasticine. A big long packet of multi-coloured strips of that lovely smelling modelling stuff. Within a week it was just one big ball (haha!) of mush with cat and dog hair all over it. Shoulda chose the felt tips.

Tuesday, October 14

Todays best news headline.
"What do you fancy, love? missionary or spit-roast?"

Cheryl Tweedy... the Toon nightingale from Girls Aloud. Can anyone actually picture her "slamming her fist into her hand" and saying "get that Carribean jigaboo back here so I can finish her off." It's sounds like a Bo Selector piss take to me. Next the prosecution will be saying she was also twisting her waxed moustache betwix thumb and forefinger at the same time. She's a Geordie for fucks sake...no Geordie has ever said the word jigaboo or threatened to "finish" anyone off. Case closed.

Monday, October 13

1979

2001

2003
One day my sweetie, you *will* be all mine.

Sunday, October 12

I have all the swimming award patches including the one mile. I also have the bronze, silver and gold life saving patches. All sewn onto the front of a pair of red speedo's (waist size 20 inches, age 12 yrs) stored in a box in mums airing-cupboard.

This is not me.
The writing during this past week at Troubled Diva has been brilliant. Very moving at times and always highly entertaining. His four guest bloggers have done him proud. Thankyou Lyle, Mr D, qB, and Robin.

Saturday, October 11

Claim to fame.
In 1989 I took a year long career break. Mainly so I could go out more, take drugs and dance to acid house. I worked for a few days every week for a motorcycle courier company which suited my haphazard life then. I remember it was a nice spring day and I took a job taking some artwork from an agency to a big photographic studio in Kings Cross. When I arrived it was chaos in the warehouse/studio and I was wandering around trying to find someone to sign for the pakage. There were models and make-up artists and photographic assistants and they were all ignoring me. Then someone shouted at me "you, stand right there". A fella with a polaroid camera started to take lots of shots of me while someone else adjusted lights above my head. Click then pull the instant photo out, click then pull the instant photo out, click then pull the instant photo out.
When he'd finished the assistant took the pictures from him and the photographer left to go and do something else. The assistant signed for the package and then gave me one of the polaroids. I asked who the photographer was, "that's Mario Testino" was his reply.
Blimey, I've had my picture taken by one of the greatest portrait photographers of all time and here it is.
Day off work yesterday. Tidied up the study and converted some vinyl elpees into mp3. Played with Edward in the park. Ate two bowls of shredded wheat, cropped my hair and had a bath. Went into the West End at 6pm to meet Darren, Rob and Martin for cocktails. Twas Martins birthday and he brought along his bf whom we hadn’t met yet. He’s a writer. He wrote this (Whitbread nominated too!). Darren got drunk and I tutted a lot. We had fish and chip shop food at home and went to bed at midnight. Darren has a hangover today. Hahaha.
Now, where shall we watch the match tonight? Here I think.

Thursday, October 9

Met the bf for lunchtime noodles in Chinatown. My treat. Popped into 3 shoe shops on the way back to work looking for a pair of heavy tan brogues. I fancy some shoes that will declare my affection for 1972 and Trojan boys and Brutus shirts with thin braces and bruisers with thick heavy sideburns. Looks like I'll have to head to the Alfred Sargent shop in Knightsbridge.

He's cute.

Wednesday, October 8



I can’t make my left arm go round like a windmill.
I broke my arm and leg in Egypt in 1985. I wanted to see the step pyramid at Saqqara (10 miles further into the desert from Giza) so some friends and I took a big white horse each and a guide and set off. I’d learned to ride the year before on a ranch in the Blue Mountains of Tennessee and loved the feeling of a big animal between my legs.
The ride out to the pyramid was great but after an hour we were thirsty so we headed back. The horses knew they were heading home for a feed and a drink so they raced off at breakneck speed towards Giza. This was great fun on the soft hot sand but as we approached the village my horse became uncontrollable and he left the sand verge and mounted the tarmac road. The speed we were travelling was causing him to slide around on his shoes as I was doing my utmost to slow him down. A bend in the road loomed ahead and it was obvious we were bearing down too fast to make it. And that’s all I remember.
I woke up in the American hospital later that night with a broken leg and arm and hardly any skin on the left hand side of my body and head. Oh the pain. I left the hospital a few days later and slinked off to Crete for a month to lick my wounds.
Anyway, my leg healed nicely but my arm was never the same again. It pops out of my shoulder socket a few times a year causing me to shout obscenities while forcing it back in with a nasty sounding crack. Very butch.

Tuesday, October 7

British justice is the finest in the World and anyone who doesn't agree is a gay or a woman or a mental.

Sunday, October 5

*in a Vera Duckworth Lancashire accent* Hiya luv!

Blackpool was great. Mum and Dad bought us a fridge for the house up there and gave us their old telly so we can stop dragging the portable up there when we ‘weekend’.
Ken Dodd was funny. The Diddymen weren’t. He came on at 7.30 and finally broke for an intermission at 10.15! Me and Darren sneaked home during the intermission but my parents stayed for the second half and didn’t get out of the theatre till 1am!! Good value though, eh, BW.
It rained on Monday but the rest of the week was just dandy. We drove to Morecambe to see if it is a dump. It is. Though they did have a mighty fine statue of Eric Morecambe *and* crack is very cheap there. Blackpool illuminations were grand this year with the huge tableaux at the northerly end of the prom especially good (we’re easily pleased you know). We enjoyed Calendar Girls at the cinema (we were the only fellas in there). We took my parents to a smart Italian restaurant and got them drunk on cheap red wine. They then told us they buy dope occasionally and smoke it. This piece of info came during the second litre bottle of house red so didn’t register with us as traumatically as it could have. In fact I’ve only just remembered they said that NOW (5 days later). Weirdo’s.
The rest of the week was spent shopping for designer seconds in TK Maxx, eating steak and kidney pudding dinners, walking on the beach at sunset (this is the view from the end of our street), playing the slots on St Annes Pier and enjoying the autumn sunshine. Some folk need proof of cheap tea so here it is (and let us know where the long, hard, pink shaft should be sent!).

We drove from Blackpool to London on Saturday morning cos we had tickets for a bit of cultcha in the Larndon. We went to see the premiere of the new Michael Clark show at Sadlers Wells. T Rex, Human League, Can, PJ Harvey, Sex Pistols and Satie, four pianists and eight dancers and a couple of thousand Clark groupies. We were down the front in the mosh pit (the first 10 rows of seats had been removed) but we had by far the best view. Oh how we cheered when the dancers all ricocheted around the stage with Phil Oakey wigs on to ‘The Things That Dreams Are Made Of’ and oh how we gasped when Mr Clark himself sauntered out and did a solo to a PJ Harvey song (he doesn’t always dance) and oh how we all fell in love with the dancer with the big hairy legs and the trailer park haircut. Just brilliant.